The Ultimate Harry Potter Fan Fiction
by Monkeycat3181
Summary: just read it! i promise you wont regret it! harry is finds out voldmort is going to have dumbledore killed, so now harry must give up drugs to be able to have a clear mind and kill voldmort.


**THE UTIMATE HARRY POTTER FAN FICTION/SPOOF IN EXISTIONS!**

**About the story: so I'm sure you have read online those little pictures from the movie with funny captions or those funny fan art comics well I am putting all the best ones together in one story! THE EPICNESS IS HERE! Not all of it is going to be from pictures but some of it will be. I do not own the quotes from the pictures. So don't sue me! There are some Harry Potter musical references and songs from other artist in this also; I do not own any of the lyrics or the singers. nor do I own the AVMP songs or the Musical. Also I make a reference to one of Taylor Swift`s videos I do not own the video. This is ment to obviously be funny so probably the plot is going to be incredibly stupid, yet funny, and the characters personalities may have been altered. Also its gana be written like a play. Enjoy!**

**Scene 1: *Harry enters his room doing a gangster walk, he take out cigarette and light it then starts to sing* **

**Harry: *Sing* I got 99 problems but a snitch aint one! **  
If you're havin' quititch problems I feel bad for you son.  
I got 99 problems but a snitch ain't one  
*smokes his cigarette*

Now once upon a time not too long ago  
A boy like myself lived a miserable life. Then one day some fat ass come to my house said "harry you're a wizard!' I was like "no way!" thought my life would suddenly get better, but sadly it only got worse. See I had to defeat Voldmort for I was the chosen one. "God damn it! Fuck my life!" I said when I found out. So I smoked some weed that got from hogsmeat, got a little tipsy and slept with Luna Lovegood. Yuck! that was a mistake! I erased her memory intently. So then I'm like you know what I'll try to kill this guy, I mean hey hes like 234 years old how bad can be. He killed my godfather, then other people too.  
So Fuck my life!  
So as you can see I got 99 problems a snitch ain't one.  
*smokes his cigarette*

*harry walks to the window of his bedroom and looks out and sees a girl with with long brown hair, bangs and purple glasses who is wearing a Taylor Swift tour shirt*

*she gets a black marker and a note book piece of paper and writes on it "you ok? I heard you singing from my house. You sound awful."*

*harry goes into his draw and gets a blue marker and a note book piece of paper and writes "my life sucks..."

*the girl turns to her room and rips out another sheet of paper and writes "Awwww. It will get better, trust me!"*

*Harry turns to his room and rips out another sheet of paper and writes "it won't. How am I supposed to defeat an evil dark wizard when I can barley do anything right?"

*the girl turns to her room and rips out another sheet of paper and writes" harry you can do this! You have to or everybody is going to die because of you. Your Harry freaking Potter! You're the man!

*Harry turns to his room and rips out another sheet of paper and writes "thanks Kristen you always know what to say!"*

*the next day harry leaves for Hogwarts the next day.*

Kristen: wait! Harry! I`m coming too!

Harry: what? I thought you were a muggle?

Kristen: yeah I thought I was too. Until I found this letter in the garage of my house. I guess the wind blew it out of the mailbox and into there. Anyways long story short it was a Hogwarts acceptance letter! I`m a wizard too!

Harry: awesome!

Scene 2: *on the train*

*Ron and Hermione are sitting together*

Harry: hey guys!

Ron and Hermione: hey harry!

*Neville enters the train, walks by harry and his friends*

Neville: wow! Who is your hot friend?

Harry: Yo back off! Hermione is mine motherfucker!

Neville: not Hermione! Ewww!

Hermione: I'm even too ugly for Neville. That's sad…..

Harry: oh you like Ron! Yo dog I didn't know you gay?

Neville: not Ron, her* he says lovingly pointing at Kristen*

Harry: ha ha ha yo that's my girl k swizzle!

Kristen: hi! I`m Kristen, I just found out I was wizard today! I can't believe it!

Neville: I'm Neville, your glasses are pretty.

Kristen: thanks I got them on sale at target.

Neville: I love target!

Kristen: me too!

Neville: do you like to watch the science channel?

Kristen: that's my favorite channel!

Harry: NERD! ALERT! *then harry walks away from them*

Scene 3: *still on train but away from Kristen* Harry: Yo yo yo Cedric you got my weed?

Cedric: Argh! I`m a pirate! *drunk sounding* I`m a fucking pirate! Zeeb a fleeba zoom! *Cedric pokes harry with his wand*

Harry: Yo yo and can I get some alcohol too?

Cedric: I am a vampire! A vampire! That sparkles! Woof woof grrrr!

*Harry sees Cedric`s bag and just takes the whole bag and leaves*

Cedric: Where are you going with my wife! JACOB!

Scene 4: *at school in the great hall *

Kristen: wow! This is so awesome!

Hermione: did you know that there literally thousands of student here and Hogwarts was founded by-

Kristen: Oh my gosh! Is that a ghost!

Nearly headless nick: no I'm an elf. Smart girl you got there harry.

Harry: Yo yo yo you cant talk about her like that! Say that to my face you ghost!

Sir Nicolas: I just did. Ugh theses Hogwarts students get stupider and stupider with every passing year.

Kristen: so did you like die here or something? Or are you just some creep who likes to hang around here?

Nearly headless nick: Hogwarts is the only place I've ever felt at home. So I choose to stay here.

Kristen: very interesting.

Fat friar ghost: the sorting will begin!

Mcgungal: now when I call your name come here and I'll put this on your head and the hat will talk and tell you your house.

Kristen: no way! This is gana be so cool!

Mcgunagul: Kristen green.

*Kristen pushes all the kids to the ground*

Kristen: move! Get out of my way! I am Kristen I want to be sorted!

*sits on the stole*

Hat: Ughhhhh er err *closes eyes* *sings really badly* I'm bringing sexy back, Them motherfuckers don't know how to act, Girl let me make up for the things you lack 'Cause you're burnin' up, I gotta get it fast Take 'em to the bridge…..  
Dirty babe! You see these shackles? Baby I'm your slave! I'll let you whip me if I misbehave! It's just that no one makes me feel this way!

Mcgunagal: sorting hat!

Hat: Errr I shouldn't have gone drinking with dumbledore last night. Ummmmmmmmm I say grifindore cause your smart

*Dumbledore walks on stage*

Dumbledore: this year you all should plan to…..

*the jersey shore comes through the doors of the great hall*

The situation: Yo! Yo! Let's party! Wahoo!

Snooki: jersey shore bitches!

Sami: wheres the alcohol at?

Dumbledore: excuse me! This is a sch….…Mmmm….…very sexy ladies. *walks over to Sami* hey you maybe wana call me some time?

Mcgunagul: *mcgunagul gasp face* Dumbledore I thought you gay?

*at the Gryffindor table*

Fred: *stand up and shouts* ha ha I knew it! I told you he was gay! 10 bucks please.

*George goes through his pocket and gives Fred ten bucks.*

Dumbledore: oh yeah….. I just said that to get rid of you….have you seen yourself?

*at the Gryffindor table*

George: I knew it! I told you he wasn't gay.

*Fred gives George his 10 bucks back ten gives him ten bucks*

Dumbledore: *looking lovingly at Sami* Anyways so you me dinner?

Ronnie: HULK MAD! *Rips off his shirt turns green and grows really big* SAMMI MINE! SAMMI MINE!

Sami: Ron stop!

Ron weasley: he he that's what she said.

Dumbledore: Pshhh! *takes out his wand points it at Ronnie* Avada kedavra you bastard!

Ronnie: Owww! Bro that hurt man.

*Ronnie dies*

Pauly D: that guy is like the tooth fairy! You know what I'm saying? Let's get outta here!

*jersey shore runs out*

Dumbledore: well anyways you kids are very lucky to be here, many fans would give anything to be in your place.

*a big screen comes down. On the screen you see a Fan girl crying at the side her bed*

Fan girl: lord how come you won't send me an acceptance letter to Hogwarts! Why? Why? Why? I did everything YouTube told me to do to become a wizard! Why hasn't my Hogwarts letter come yet! I`m going to kill myself!

Mom: darling it's just a book, Hogwarts doesn't exist.

Fan girl: it's just a book? *throws a knife at her mother* it's just a knife in your face!

*screen goes black and then disappears*

Mcgunagul: ummm…where did you get that video tape?

Dumbledore: umm….internet?

Kristen: *sitting with the Gryffindor Taylor leans over to harry* I think that girl liked JK Rowling`s biography on you a little too much.

Harry: can't blame her! JK Rowling is an amazing writer! It's like when you read her books you feel a high feeling…that makes you high…because your high…and high…I need to smoke.

Kristen: no. if your gana save anyone this year you need to stop with the drugs.

Harry: I can't, I love them.

Kristen: I didn't want to have to tell you this but….. JK Rowling said Dumbledore is going to die!

Harry: well I could have predicted that. I mean hes like 130,453,709,270,570,570,507,572,570,5470,547,057,905,705,720,702,570,527,057,570,570,235,346,3478 years old.

Kristen: no harry, you don't understand. Voldmort is going to have Dumbledore killed, unless you do something about it.

Harry: why me?

Kristen: do I have to sing the song?

Harry: please don't.

Kristen: *sing* the person who wrote this play does not own the song about to be sung!

You're Harry Freakin' Potter!  
You don't understand  
you're a legend, man,  
to us all!

Harry: oh my god shut the fuck up! God I hate that song!

Scene 4: *in snape`s poisons class*

*Snape runs in late for his own class*

Ron: your late professor does that mean we can leave?

Snape: no you stupid boy! *through a poison bottle at Ron and Ron turns into a saint Bernard. Ron barks then growls at Snape.*

*Snape goes stands in front of the class room*

Snape: there will be no foolish wand waving or silly incantation in this class.

Kristen: *raises her hand*

Snape: what?

Kristen: whats an incantation?

Snape: the chanting or uttering of words supposedly to have magical power.

Kristen: oh thank you! I`ll write that down in my notes.

Snape: I can teach you to bewitch the mind….

Seamus: * raises hand* bewitch the mind? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Snape: it means I can teach you how to put spells on others minds with magic.

Seamus: cool!

Snape: but this isn't a spell class, this is a poisons class so...anyways I can teach you to ensnare the senses; I can teach you to bottle fame.

Kristen: ensnare? Is that even a word?

Snape: yes it is! It means to capture in! Gosh you're so stupid!

Scene 5: *in wizard history class*

Mcgunagul: hello class this year I'll be your wizard history teacher! Now everyone turn to page 345 in your wizard history books.

Harry: *raises hand*

Mcgunagul: yes harry?

Harry: I have a fear of people reading books to me.

Mcgunagul: are you serious?

Harry: sadly yes. It all happened in pre k. every day I would always ask to read a wizard book then one day…..

*flashback*

Preschool teacher: ok kids; get ready for a fun space man story!

Harry: *harry raises his hand*ooh! Ooh! Mrs. Jen! Mrs. Jen!

Mrs. Jen: *sighs* yes harry?

Harry: I want a wizard story!

: I swear to god harry, if you ask for a wizard story one more time we`ll read "the dead parents" story!

Harry: *terrified look on Harry`s face*

*back in the present*

Harry: …and ever since I've been afraid to be read to.

Mcgunagul: harry we don't lie in this class.

Harry: I'm not lying, it true. You can ask Kristen she was in my preschool class. *looks for Kristen* god damn it where the fuck is she!

Mcgunaal: she doesn't have this class till 4th period Mr. Potter.

Harry: fuck! That girl is never here when I need her!

Mcgunaal: Mr. Potter there will be no cursing in my class!

Scene 6: *it a week later in snapes class*

Kristen: now harry remember you must stay off the drug so you can think clearly so you can defeat voldmort.

Harry: I got this bro!

*a week later*

Kristen: gosh harry lately I don't know what page you're on! *Kristen yells out the door of snape`s poison's class*

*Snape comes behind Kristen*

Snape: something the matter miss. Green?

Kristen: well harry…..

Snape: I don't care.

*snape starts to walk away.*

Kristen: when why did you ask?

Snape: Were told to say that if anyone seems mad or sad, we get a bonus in our pay check.

Kristen: *sits next to Hermione*

Hermione: what happened?

Kristen: well harry was supposed to be staying off the drugs so he can focus, be smart and be able to kill voldmort. But I just saw him smoking cigarettes with Cedric Diggery! He's gana kill us all over his stupid drug addiction.

Hermione: that bastard!

Scene 7: *harry raises his hand*

Umbrige: yes Mr. Potter?

Harry: Yo! Yo! *blows into his cigarette* umbrage I have a question to ask? Why is the Ravenclaw symbol an eagle?

Umbrige: what would you expect it to be?

Harry: ummmm… a raven?

Umbrige: ha ha ha that's so silly! Your silly harry potter ha ha ha ha! * takes a drink of alcohol* Why are you so silly? Ha ha ha ha ha. Well everyone its now 12:00 so you know what the means, my shift is over and my sister mama umbridge will be taking over.

Kristen: oh no not her!

Hermione: Mrs. Umbrige please stay. Mama umbrige tells us to sit on knifes as punishment for not filling out the hall passes.

Neville: she told me I had to stick a curling iron up my butt because I forgot to raise my hand.

Kristen: please don't leave us with that crazy woman.

*mama umbrige enters*

Mama umbrige: *in deep male sounding voice* ITS UMBRIGE TIME! Dolorous sis you look beautiful!

Umbrige: why thank you Dolorous

*normal umbrige leaves*

Mama umbrigde: hello students now I know some of you newer students, who have joined us in the middle of our year, may be nervous or frightened about meeting me but I just want to let you know the rumors about me are false I am a kind, fair, sensitive person. And I would like to be treated as such. I'm here to make your time at Hogwarts as totally awesome as possible! Because, I'm not just a teacher I like to think of all of you as my children! And that makes me your mama. And a very loving and caring mama I am. So class let's start with poisons.

*a girl raises hand*

Mama Umbrige: SPEAK YOU CHUBBY TOAD!

Girl: isn't professor snape the poisons master?

Mama umbrige: I'm the poisons master now! *THROWS NIFE AT KID BUT MISSES* I`m umbrige! I'm apart of the ministry of magic! I can do whatever I want! I am UMBRIGE HEAR ME ROAR!ROAR! ROAR! ROAR! *smiles* A der der der der der der der.

Kristen: oh god…

Scene 8:

*harry is sitting in a chair in the common room, Kristen is across from him*

Kristen: noticed gurdun! *she says pointing her magic wand at harry*

*harry falls downwards.*

Kristen: *standing over him* did it work? Are you over your drug addiction?

*harry gets up* Harry: no it didn't fucking work! Where did you get that wand anyways?

Kristen: I found it, in Dumbledore`s office.

Harry: you idiot! You're supposed to go to olivender`s to get a proper wand not steel professor Dumbledore`s wand.

Kristen: this is professor Dumbledore`s wand? Ewww! That explains the cum!

Harry: gross….

*they both run out of the common room to return Dumbledore`s wand*

Scene 9:

Harry: do you have any weed Ron?

Ron: no. harry I think Hermione is friend zoneing me.

*snape is walking past*

Harry: I think shes friend zoneing the both of us. She-

Snape: Stop whinning, you little bitches I was friend zoned my whole fucking life! That's something to cry about and I do every night! I`m gana die a virgin!

Scene 10: *harry enters the common room and everyone from the school is in there*

Kristen: harry it's time for your intervention.

Harry: oh shit! *trys to run*

Ron: harry I think you should give up drugs cause if you don't were all gana die.

Hermione: drugs don't solve your problems harry, action does for example killing voldmort would be revenge for all those years of living without parents.

Draco: just stop with the drug so Kristen will let us leave!

Kristen: SAY WHAT I WROTE DOWN FOR YOU!

Draco: *looking at a paper on his lap* harry I have known you since year 1 and this isn't the harry I know. The harry I know is a great wizard and intelligent….and

Harry: dude this is wick I'm outy

*Kristen runs in fornt of the door*

Kristen: no you have to get over your addiction!

Harry: maybe I don't want to get over it! I thought I made that very clear!

*everyone gasp*

Hermione: you ass whole

Kristen: so you choose your drugs over everyone in both the muggle and wizarding world?

Harry: yes!

*Kristen shakes her head in disapproval*

Kristen: I can't believe you harry.

Scene 11: *we see Kristen holding her books walking the halls singing this song*

**"Breathe" by Taylor Swift**

I see your face in my mind as I drive away,  
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.  
People are people,  
And sometimes we change our minds.  
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time.

*now randomly sitting in the griffendor common room singing*

Mmm mmm mmm  
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm  
Mmm mmm mmm  
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

*kristens back to walking the halls and singing*

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie,  
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see.  
Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down,  
Now I don't know what to be without you around.

*ron, hermione and kristen singing in a recording studio now in those recoding booths*

And we know it's never simple,  
Never easy.  
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.  
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,  
And I can't,  
Breathe,  
Without you,  
But I have to,  
Breathe,  
Without you,  
But I have to.

Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt.  
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.  
But people are people,  
And sometimes it doesn't work out,  
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

And we know it's never simple,  
Never easy.  
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.  
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,  
And I can't,  
Breathe,  
Without you,  
But I have to,  
Breathe,  
Without you,  
But I have to.

It's two a.m.  
Feelin' like I just lost a friend.  
Hope you know it's not easy,  
Easy for me.  
It's two a.m.  
Feelin' like I just lost a friend.  
Hope you know this ain't easy,  
Easy for me.

And we know it's never simple,  
Never easy.  
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.

Some kid: *throws a book at Kristen`s head*

Kristen: owww

Kid: SHUT THE FUCK UP Kristen! NOBODY LIKES TAYLOR SWIFT SONGS

Scene 12:

*walks into the common room it's the day of the big battle with voldy. Harry is smoking.*

Kristen: well todays the day to defeat voldmort and you have had no success in getting over your addiction. How do you feel?

Harry: high…..*big giant smile*

Kristen: *takes his cigarette, throws it on the ground and steps on it.*

Harry: *on the ground, kneeling next to the broken cigarette* no! *turns to Kristen* dude what the fuck?

Kristen: you need to stop only caring about your fucking self! Get off your lazy ass and stop smoking shit you get from cedric diggery and fucking help us defeat voldmort!

Harry: you're so hot when you're mad.

*Taylor slaps him in the face, goes out of the room and slams the door.*

Scene 8: *we see the good guys vs. the death eaters.*

*Kristen walks up to voldmort*

Kristen: *singing* who do you think you are? Running around leaving scars!

VOldmort: oh sorry. Let me introduce myself I am fucking lord voldmort!

*they fight and the good are about to give up until….*

Harry: yoy yo yo potter is in the house!

Kristen: harry! Yes I knew he wouldn't let us all die.

*walks up to voldmort*

Harry: yo bro how are things shaking?

Hermione:*to Kristen* where screwed he is high.

Voldmort: um…fine…..

Harry: yo yo yo I saw a dog yesterday he was mad ill he was like a rooof a rooooof and I was like no doggy that's a tree.

Vodlmort: *laugh evilly for a long time* ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Well that was good. Now I will kill you. *takes out his wand*

Harry: wait before you kill me I need to ask you something.

Voldmort: ok

Harry: wana smoke some weed fool? When I have some problems I just smoke some weed and i feel so much better.

Voldmort: what is this magically problem be gone weeb you speak of?

Harry: nah bro its weed not web. Here i`ll give you some of mine. *goes into his pocket and hands voldy some weed and a cigarette*

*voldmort takes it and starts to smoke it*

Harry: It comes out of the ground so its good for you too.

Voldmort: oh my god this is good! *inhales deeply* man! This is so good! Hey man we we should see a movie tonight. This is so good.

*then Neville out of no where comes and stabs voldy*

*voldy dies*

Voldmort: what i`m dieing what the fuck? Those hulcruxes were supposed to keep me from dieing!

Neville: I found all your hulcruxes and I killed them too! *sticks out the figure*

Scene 12:

*everyone is celebrating in the great hall*

*Kristen`s phone rings*

Kristen: yeah mom.

Kristen`s mom: where are you?

Kristen: I'm at Hogwarts mom. I found my letter it flew into the garage.

Kristen's mom: Kristen that was from when you were 10. I printed that out online and just added in your name so you wouldn't be upset when you saw that you didn't get a Hogwarts letter and found out it doesn't exist.

Kristen: but mom it does exist! I`m here right now at Hogwarts! And that kid from next door, he is harry potter! I TOLD YOU MOM! I TOLD YOU!

Kristen's mom: Kristen baby who have you been hanging out with? Have you been hanging out with Georgia Flynn again? You know that girl is always smoking something.

Kristen: no I-

*harry takes phone from Kristen*

Harry: WE DEFEATED VOLDMORT! WHAOOO!

Neville: *with deep voice* hey baby cakes I think you and me should go up to my bed room turn off all the light and titanic the one with Leonardo Dicaprio.

Kristen: *to her mom on the phone* I gatta go mom! I have a date!

***btw to people who have made it to the end of the story thank you! I had a fun time writing this and also if your wondering the magic Kristen did was all in harry`s head cause he was so high he was seeing things.***


End file.
